What is Cool?
Once in a while, I get emails from my favorite Soldier in Iraq, Kevin Freedom, who is secretly a comedy writer.
Please enjoy the randomness that can only be created from living in sand.
Good Morning Ladies and Gentleman.
My name is Freedom, Kevin Freedom and today I am here to talk to you about coolness.
Its not easy to be cool and its not cool to be easy.
Or is it?
Well at least its not easy to be cool.
I’ll save the other matter for a different time.
So what makes people cool?
Is it their hair? Their clothes? The way they walk, the way they talk?
Is it natural for some and taught for others?
Those are all damn good questions that I will probably not be talking about during the next few paragraphs.
Mainly I am here to teach you kids about what is not cool, and the three types of coolness.
First of all….MULLETS are defiantly Not cool.
In fact neither are creepy tan old people with tank tops that look like they could be married to their sister or cousin.
I will not go into many reasons as to why mullets are not cool other than they just give me, when im around them, an uncommon feeling that I am about to be forced to Country Line Dance or wear tight jeans and cowboy boots.
Sure not all country is bad but most country is defiantly not cool.
Mullets are part of country therefore they are not cool.
Secondly, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are not cool.
Why? Because I said so and this is my damn definition.
Also the tough guy act is overrated and nobody cares about today’s tough guys.
Everyone misses the tough guys of old, John Wayne, Theodore Roosevelt, Clint Eastwood, Lee Marvin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Dimaggio and Frank Sinatra.
These were the people that were cool.
That were tough.
Why? Well for one I bet most of them could kick Vin Diesel and Paul Walkers ass any day of the week.
Also does anyone see Mr.. Walker or Mr.. Diesel as having an airport named after them?
Do they have a gigantic rock portrait in some mountain in some state that I don’t know where it is but its probably got like rocks and people and other things states have?
Did they marry Marilyn Monroe?
These were the guys that had the Mafioso connections and they ruled the world, well at least they ruled America…ok ok ok Arnold rules California, and Roosevelt ruled America.
Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are prime examples of not cool.
Another thing that is not cool is David Hasselhoff in a speedo.
That is sure as hell not cool.
Well everything but the hairy chest, that’s almost cool.
Creepiness is also not cool.
Looking like you may rip the head off a child at a moments notice is not something most people strive for so stay away from that as well.
Lastly one more thing that is defiantly not cool is…………………………………………MARK JONES.
Mark Jones is defiantly not cool.
Now finally to the part that you all have been waiting for.
The three types of coolness.
The first type of coolness is Frosty the Snowman cool.
Really the only reason he is cool is because he is made out of snow.
And as we all know…or at least those that live or have seen snowy areas, SNOW IS FUCKING COLD, and cold is basically cool, so therefore Frosty the Snowman is cool.
Of course a corn cob pipe and a button eyes and two eyes made out of coal helps as well.
The second type of coolness is Fonzie cool.
Everything about this man is cool.
From his cool jacket to his cool slicked back hair, his coolness knows no boundaries.
Plus his motorcycle was damn cool.
Lastly there is Freedom Cool.
Freedom cool is not hard to achieve if you just follow my lead.
Step one would be to drink tequila.
Lots and lots of tequila.
Especially lots of Tequila at once.
Cheap tequila meaning Bills or Johns Tequila is not cool however and will leave you feeling like the tequila gods stomped on your head.
Sexy is also cool.
Nothing says im cool like being sexy and showing it.
I show it well don’t I?
Ok so maybe I didn’t explain how to become cool but at least I told you people what cool was and what cool isn’t.
And I showed you some great pictures.
A couple things that are also cool are Billy Dee Williams and Colt45,
and of course Yoda Action Figure with guns:
I hope I was able to brighten up peoples days and make them smile.
I am also not wearing pants and that is the true key to ultimate coolness.
On a side note, The guy in the creepy picture is my friend Max and he is totally awesome and cool I just thought that picture of him was creepy so I added it.
Max is also cool just not when he looks like that.
Dan is also very very cool